Better

I’m feel better than when I wrote my last post.

Last night a friend invited me to her house for a little party. We had dinner and drinks and played card games.

I laughed a lot.

I felt like other people wanted me around; that my presence was actually contributing to the betterment of the evening.

One of the hardest things since entering the working world has been finding girlfriends to hang out with. While I really enjoy spending time alone, I like love the company of others. I crave it.

Sure I have my family, but I don’t really have many friends left in my city. Slowly, I’m meeting more people, connecting. But still, there are times when I feel so darn lonely that my heart could break.

I sit alone, like on New Year’s Eve, and throw myself a huge pity party. I cry to my mom on the phone. I scroll through Instagram just to torture myself. I eat big brownies and take hot baths to soothe my pain.

And so last night when I was invited to share in this evening with several people I didn’t even know, I jumped at the opportunity. Normally I wouldn’t go out the night before work, but I did.

I drank until I was tipsy, I had deep belly laughs, I stayed out until 12:30 (which is late for me).

And it was perfect.

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Ummmm…

I don’t really know how I feel. I oscillate between a shallow happiness and the deep blues.

Sometimes I feel almost normal. I feel like the guyatus is working; that I’m starting to see my worth. I’m beginning to realize what I deserve in a relationship.

But then there are times like this. These are the moments when I’m compelled to write. I pour my feelings onto this blank page and listen to Bon Iver radio on repeat.

I do think this time alone had made a difference, but then there are the days when I despise being alone.

I think the majority of people don’t want to be alone. People want a partner, someone to hold them close and make them feel special. I want that, more than anything.

I hate going to work, where I’m the only single one in my department. I hear about my coworkers fabulous dates or the wonderful gift their partner gave them and I grow green with envy.

I hate going to the mall and seeing couples hand in hand.

I WANT THAT DAMMIT.

And I try to believe that eventually my time will come, but I don’t want to wait.

I want it now. I don’t want to be alone.

Eating my measly dinner of tortilla chips and cheese, listening to heartbreaking sad music, I feel like a loser.

My feelings are normal, I’m sure, but I feel like I’ve been through enough shit already. Can’t I just have a break?

Can I be the girl in the fantastic relationship with her life together?

I guess it’s too much to ask.

Nearing the two month mark…

It’s hard to believe I’m nearly two months into my little “experiment”.

I’m feeling SO much better already. Granted, there are still days when I’m lonely. Like New Year’s Eve. But overall, I feel more at peace with myself.

I feel more worthy than I have in quite a long time.

I also feel sexier. Healthier. Prettier.

I do want to be in a relationship. I mean, I don’t know of many people that don’t. However, this time has been pretty precious to me.

I feel so much more grounded.

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Today I battled feelings of anger toward Glen and Samuel. These two men are the most significant of them all, and I was just plain pissed at them for hurting me.

So I ran hard on the treadmill. I thought a lot about my feelings and where they came from. And then I set it aside.

I know feelings like this will come up until I meet someone truly special. It’s very possible they may come up even after I’ve met someone. For now, I’m trying to honor them and let them pass.

So here’s to the New Year. Here’s to making positive changes that will stick. Here’s to honoring or feelings and our pasts.