Ummmm…

I don’t really know how I feel. I oscillate between a shallow happiness and the deep blues.

Sometimes I feel almost normal. I feel like the guyatus is working; that I’m starting to see my worth. I’m beginning to realize what I deserve in a relationship.

But then there are times like this. These are the moments when I’m compelled to write. I pour my feelings onto this blank page and listen to Bon Iver radio on repeat.

I do think this time alone had made a difference, but then there are the days when I despise being alone.

I think the majority of people don’t want to be alone. People want a partner, someone to hold them close and make them feel special. I want that, more than anything.

I hate going to work, where I’m the only single one in my department. I hear about my coworkers fabulous dates or the wonderful gift their partner gave them and I grow green with envy.

I hate going to the mall and seeing couples hand in hand.

I WANT THAT DAMMIT.

And I try to believe that eventually my time will come, but I don’t want to wait.

I want it now. I don’t want to be alone.

Eating my measly dinner of tortilla chips and cheese, listening to heartbreaking sad music, I feel like a loser.

My feelings are normal, I’m sure, but I feel like I’ve been through enough shit already. Can’t I just have a break?

Can I be the girl in the fantastic relationship with her life together?

I guess it’s too much to ask.

Advertisements

Nearing the two month mark…

It’s hard to believe I’m nearly two months into my little “experiment”.

I’m feeling SO much better already. Granted, there are still days when I’m lonely. Like New Year’s Eve. But overall, I feel more at peace with myself.

I feel more worthy than I have in quite a long time.

I also feel sexier. Healthier. Prettier.

I do want to be in a relationship. I mean, I don’t know of many people that don’t. However, this time has been pretty precious to me.

I feel so much more grounded.

——————————–

Today I battled feelings of anger toward Glen and Samuel. These two men are the most significant of them all, and I was just plain pissed at them for hurting me.

So I ran hard on the treadmill. I thought a lot about my feelings and where they came from. And then I set it aside.

I know feelings like this will come up until I meet someone truly special. It’s very possible they may come up even after I’ve met someone. For now, I’m trying to honor them and let them pass.

So here’s to the New Year. Here’s to making positive changes that will stick. Here’s to honoring or feelings and our pasts.

Casual Encounters

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’d like to pursue dating after my guyatus is over.

One of the biggest things I’ve realized is that while I don’t consider promiscuity an inherently bad thing, it’s something that is not good for me.

I’ve never been a casual person. I take my job seriously. School was hugely important to me; I graduated valedictorian from high school and was in the top of my class at university. I am incredibly smart with my money and have no debt. My relationships (friendship, family, etc.) are all intense. I take so many things in my life seriously. While casual may work for some people, it doesn’t for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am casual at times. Namely, I’ve had casual sex.

But I feel like shit after.

I’m not the kind of person that can have a casual encounter and not berate myself after. There are people that are able to do that, and that’s okay as long as they are okay with it.

So I’ve made a few goals for myself after this experience.

  1. Date around, but don’t sex around – I enjoy dating. I like meeting new people and communing over food. But I need to make sure to do it without giving my body away immediately. My counselor recommended making some platonic male friends or going on dates and JUST going on dates, nothing more.
  2. Make sure to get to know the next man I choose to have sex with – This is something that I have not done with three of the four of my partners. I went on 5 dates before I had sex with Glen. I had sex with Jake on the first date. Same with Stuart, a man I met at work. Samuel was on the second date. Again, this is not something that I think is a bad thing for other people, but for me it’s not the healthiest. My goal is to try to date someone for at least a few months before jumping in the sack. I want to really get to know someone before I have sex with them. There are two reason behind this. One being that I want to make sure that he is serious about me, that he won’t just leave after. Two being that sex is emotional for me and I want to make sure I won’t hurt myself for 15 minutes of pleasure.
  3. Have STD tests BEFORE I have sex with the next man – I am SO thankful to say that I am clean and have never had an STD. I haven’t been the smartest with protection at times. This leads me to freak out and drive myself nuts until I have the next STD screen. I don’t want to EVER be in that position again. I shouldn’t put myself in jeopardy, especially with people that aren’t even important to me.
  4. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION – Glen told me that he couldn’t have sex with condoms. This is not an uncommon trend. Many of my girlfriends have said similar things about their partners. Because Glen was my first partner and I hadn’t educated myself enough on the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, I let it slide. I’d make excuses, but most of all I wanted him to be satisfied. Looking back, I realize how stupid that was. Unless I’m trying to have a baby with a man, I need to always demand a condom, ALWAYS.
  5. Be in a relationship with the man first – This kind of goes with number 2. Glen did ask me to be his girlfriend before I had sex with him. The other three? Hell no! They were all commitment-phobes, and it probably didn’t help that I “gave it away” so easily.
  6. Don’t go over to their place or bring them to my own – JUST DON’T. I think one of the key reasons I had sex with my last three partners was because I agreed to go to their places. Had we stayed in a public place, we probably wouldn’t have had sex. If they want to have a drink at their place, we just need to go to a bar (or call it a night).

—————-

That’s the beginning of my list. This list may look like a lot. For me, though, I think these are reasonable expectations for someone looking to move away from casual encounters.