I don’t really know how I feel. I oscillate between a shallow happiness and the deep blues.
Sometimes I feel almost normal. I feel like the guyatus is working; that I’m starting to see my worth. I’m beginning to realize what I deserve in a relationship.
But then there are times like this. These are the moments when I’m compelled to write. I pour my feelings onto this blank page and listen to Bon Iver radio on repeat.
I do think this time alone had made a difference, but then there are the days when I despise being alone.
I think the majority of people don’t want to be alone. People want a partner, someone to hold them close and make them feel special. I want that, more than anything.
I hate going to work, where I’m the only single one in my department. I hear about my coworkers fabulous dates or the wonderful gift their partner gave them and I grow green with envy.
I hate going to the mall and seeing couples hand in hand.
I WANT THAT DAMMIT.
And I try to believe that eventually my time will come, but I don’t want to wait.
I want it now. I don’t want to be alone.
Eating my measly dinner of tortilla chips and cheese, listening to heartbreaking sad music, I feel like a loser.
My feelings are normal, I’m sure, but I feel like I’ve been through enough shit already. Can’t I just have a break?
Can I be the girl in the fantastic relationship with her life together?
I guess it’s too much to ask.