Crush

I have a crush.

It’s been nearly three months into my guyatus, and somehow I managed to find a great guy (when all I really wanted to do was avoid them).

I’m not really doing anything to pursue it. But at the same time, I’m also not doing anything to stop it.

I want my “experiment” to be organic.

Basically, I don’t want to have set rules. I want to let things happen as they may.

I feel a million times better than when I was here. I feel like a completely different person, to be honest.

I like myself so much more. I feel so sexy and cool. And I feel more and more ready to let someone into my heart. So even thought it’s only been three months. I’m not going to give myself any kind of guidelines.

This guy really doesn’t even know me all that well, so it may equate to nothing. But, it’s fun. And it gives me hope for my future.

I’m looking forward to what this new year may bring in the love department. I think this will be the best one yet.

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Ummmm…

I don’t really know how I feel. I oscillate between a shallow happiness and the deep blues.

Sometimes I feel almost normal. I feel like the guyatus is working; that I’m starting to see my worth. I’m beginning to realize what I deserve in a relationship.

But then there are times like this. These are the moments when I’m compelled to write. I pour my feelings onto this blank page and listen to Bon Iver radio on repeat.

I do think this time alone had made a difference, but then there are the days when I despise being alone.

I think the majority of people don’t want to be alone. People want a partner, someone to hold them close and make them feel special. I want that, more than anything.

I hate going to work, where I’m the only single one in my department. I hear about my coworkers fabulous dates or the wonderful gift their partner gave them and I grow green with envy.

I hate going to the mall and seeing couples hand in hand.

I WANT THAT DAMMIT.

And I try to believe that eventually my time will come, but I don’t want to wait.

I want it now. I don’t want to be alone.

Eating my measly dinner of tortilla chips and cheese, listening to heartbreaking sad music, I feel like a loser.

My feelings are normal, I’m sure, but I feel like I’ve been through enough shit already. Can’t I just have a break?

Can I be the girl in the fantastic relationship with her life together?

I guess it’s too much to ask.

Nearing the two month mark…

It’s hard to believe I’m nearly two months into my little “experiment”.

I’m feeling SO much better already. Granted, there are still days when I’m lonely. Like New Year’s Eve. But overall, I feel more at peace with myself.

I feel more worthy than I have in quite a long time.

I also feel sexier. Healthier. Prettier.

I do want to be in a relationship. I mean, I don’t know of many people that don’t. However, this time has been pretty precious to me.

I feel so much more grounded.

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Today I battled feelings of anger toward Glen and Samuel. These two men are the most significant of them all, and I was just plain pissed at them for hurting me.

So I ran hard on the treadmill. I thought a lot about my feelings and where they came from. And then I set it aside.

I know feelings like this will come up until I meet someone truly special. It’s very possible they may come up even after I’ve met someone. For now, I’m trying to honor them and let them pass.

So here’s to the New Year. Here’s to making positive changes that will stick. Here’s to honoring or feelings and our pasts.