Last night I spent the evening with Samuel.
I met him on an online dating website about 5 months ago. I saw his profile, and even though he was 8 years old than me, I decided to message him. Looking at his pictures I thought that he was the most gorgeous person I’d ever laid eyes on. The first thing I sent to him was a little joke, and from then on we sent long, beautiful messages to each other. On our first date, we met at a local brewery and then ate Indian food from a food truck on the street. We bar hopped, making our way back to his place.
We dated for about a month, having sex prematurely (yeah, I know). I could tell after that first time that it was probably a mistake. Samuel grew distant soon after that. He told me he was feeling depressed. Eventually (after what felt like endless prying on my part) he sent me a text message that said he would like to be friends. I was completely crushed, crying like a blubbering mess in my office at work.
I agreed to his friendship and we started doing things with each other: watching movies, making dinner, hiking. And then one night we got drunk and he said I could sleep at his place. He put me to bed (in his bed) and joined me later. We had sex that night. And then it happened a few more times after that. Initially, the sex gave me hope. I thought it meant that we had a chance.
But then I came to a realization during this “friends with benefits” period.
I deserved more.
I had sex with him for the last time on November 14th, felt super shitty after, made the decision I wasn’t going to keep hurting myself, and then started this blog.
So here I am. One month and one day since I was with Samuel. We still see each other constantly, and the chemistry is rich, fiery. Last night, walking around outside, surrounded by Christmas lights, the heat between us was intense. We bumped into each other; playfully pushed each other around; he rested his hand on my back; he got so close to my face, I was certain he was going to kiss me.
The intensity of my feelings for him has only increased the more I get to know him.
But here’s where I need to be realistic and stop kidding myself.
- The commitment that I made to myself one month and one day ago is still important to me. Yes, I’ve slipped up. But I haven’t had sex (or anything close to it). I haven’t put myself in a position where I feel guilt or shame in over one month.
- If Samuel really wanted to be with me, I don’t believe that many things would get in the way of that. He hasn’t made any overtures to express that he wants a relationship. I feel like I’m a good friend that he occasionally sleeps with. Nothing more.
- I believe my feelings for him will pass eventually. Sure, many people would say that if I didn’t spend time with him it would probably be a lot easier. And they are probably right. But I also know that friends aren’t exactly falling off trees at the moment. Genuinely I do enjoy his friendship, and it has been important to me over the past month.
- Since November 14th, my feelings about my value and worth have increased. I judged myself so harshly for sleeping with four men in total. In reality, there are women (and men) who have slept with many more men than I have. Not only that, there are people that kill and steal and cheat. I am NO saint, but I need to be a bit easier on myself.
So that’s where I am right now. I realize this is long and rambling, but it helps to get it off my chest.