I knew it would come sooner or later. It tends to come pretty frequently for me.
I suppose I’m feeling extra lonely today because two friends bailed on me today. I guess it just makes me feel sad because I feel so low their list of priorities.
These two girls aren’t close friends. I work with one of them, Molly; the other girl, Teresa, used to be my best friend. Teresa and I were like glue. We would spend the entire day together, and go home only to call each other and talk more. We talked about opening up a business together and what it would be like to grow old as friends.
Then I went to rehab for my eating disorder and she told me she couldn’t take the pressure of being my friend. So she left, and I was devastated. We barely spoke for the next two years.
I texted Teresa about a month ago asking her if she’d like to catch up over coffee. It went really well, almost as if nothing had ever changed. We met up again for coffee, and once again if felt so natural. Teresa and I made plans this Friday for dinner, which turns out to also be my birthday. While she probably doesn’t even remember the significance of the day, about an hour ago she texted me to tell me she wouldn’t be able to do dinner. Another friend of hers will be coming into town, and she agreed to put him up in her apartment.
When I read the text message, I felt this profound sadness. This year has probably been one of the loneliest for me, and now I fear I’ll have to spend my birthday dinner alone.
Writing it out, I feel so silly that I am sad about my birthday when there are problems so much greater in the world. There are people who won’t ever have another birthday because they are battling an illness or fighting in a war. There are other people that can’t afford to pay the bills, let alone buy a birthday cake for themselves. It really could be a lot worse for me.
Still, I had such high expectations for my birthday week, and now I just feel incredibly let down. I wonder if my emotions are realistic, or if I am being overly sensitive.
I guess I’m also sad because I was speaking with my counselor yesterday and I talked about how I thought that Glen and I would still have been together at this point. At the time we broke up, I was honestly completely shocked. I could see us together pursuing a future. I remember thinking about what we would do for the holidays, dreaming about kissing him on the brink of the New Year, planning our one year anniversary in February. I was so deliriously, crazy about him that the “problems” didn’t seem so problematic. My counselor asked me why we broke up. I really wish I had a clear answer/understanding, but I don’t.
So, essentially I’m having a pity party today and thinking way too much again. I’m trying to get myself out of it by doing some of the things I enjoy. I plan to go to a running group this evening, maybe do a little reading after.
Most of all, I’m going to try to be a bit easier on myself today.