Crush

I have a crush.

It’s been nearly three months into my guyatus, and somehow I managed to find a great guy (when all I really wanted to do was avoid them).

I’m not really doing anything to pursue it. But at the same time, I’m also not doing anything to stop it.

I want my “experiment” to be organic.

Basically, I don’t want to have set rules. I want to let things happen as they may.

I feel a million times better than when I was here. I feel like a completely different person, to be honest.

I like myself so much more. I feel so sexy and cool. And I feel more and more ready to let someone into my heart. So even thought it’s only been three months. I’m not going to give myself any kind of guidelines.

This guy really doesn’t even know me all that well, so it may equate to nothing. But, it’s fun. And it gives me hope for my future.

I’m looking forward to what this new year may bring in the love department. I think this will be the best one yet.

Hike

VIa: http://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=191013
VIa: http://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=191013

I went hiking today. I was with a hiking group, all strangers.

I wanted to get outside and feel the air and nature.

One of my favorite hobbies is hiking, but with my work schedule, it makes it nearly impossible.

So I found a group and pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

The hike was serene. We spread out over the trail, and many times I was alone. I trotted along, planting my hiking pole as I gradually ascended, taking in the beautiful views.

I feel so peaceful when I’m out there. I think about how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful place that affords me the opportunity to hike.

I’m feeling okay today. I’m not super happy or sad, just content. And I feel so thankful to be in that place.

Hey Beautiful Girl!

Today at work I met a lady that called me beautiful.

I don’t know why this really hit me.

In the past, I’ve been called beautiful. But I never believed it.

When I was sick with the eating disorder, I thought I was huge. My freshman year of college, I began to run. A lot. I lost a lot of weight. Suddenly, I was a size four, maybe 110 or 115 pounds. My clothes hung off of my frame.

The stress of maintaining this ideal weight–this idea of beauty–felt like a thousand pounds. I ditched the scale around this time. The constant weighing brought me down (pun intended).

Then I moved to the northeast for a summer job and went to rehab. I gained a fair amount of weight really quickly, too quickly.

When I moved back home, I went to a rehab in my town. At this point, I was completely distressed and confused. I gained more. Since I decided not to weigh myself, I never really knew how much I gained, only that I went to a size 8.

Over the next two years, I became a size twelve/fourteen; still not weighing myself.

What I looked like in my mind and what I looked like in pictures were completely different. My body image improved when I was a size twelve, very much in fact. I met Glen. On our first date, he told my size twelve body that it was gorgeous. I thought I looked okay, but there were still times that I would look at pictures of myself and be completely shocked.

In the last 8 or so months, I’ve been able to focus on getting myself into better shape just being. I don’t count calories, I just eat what I want. I lift weights and run because I enjoy it. I do yoga because it makes me feel good. I rock climb because I love the thrill. The weight has slowly melted off, and I am at a comfortable size. I have no idea how much I weigh. I have a guesstimate, of course based on my clothing size, but that’s okay.

I feel so much better about myself than I did four years ago.

So when that lady said I was beautiful today, completely out of the blue, I kind of believed it.